12.18.2011

Tom and Leela and Rosalie, 1 month later

My dearest friends,

I want to thank everyone for your love and generous generous words and support. We're in a new country, Leela and I. A new state of being that frankly isn't welcome but we understand we have no choice but to enter it and to stay. It's the country without Rosalie running around our house, wanting to blow bubbles and to do watercolor to visit the big turtle and to watch Ponyo, all while asking "Dop?" - ("what's that?") and also "where'd the big moon go?"

Which of course is our question too: Where'd the light in the sky go? Where'd the big moon go? Where did Rodzy go? Leela and I spent a week having some sort of weird mythic time in New Mexico, which we are both writing about in our own way, and will discuss later.

We've been haunting Gainesville for a week and are heading away for another week to spread our daughter's ashes into the ocean. I can't tell you how incredibly weird this all is. It has gone from shock and horror to grief and sorrow to grief and sorrow and weird. I wake in the morning not knowing how my life switched from one track to another so quickly and effortlessly. Didn't I have a daughter? Didn't I adore her? Wasn't that just 5 weeks ago? Where am I?

 For a short while after, Rosalie's picture was a thing we kept hidden, it was too powerful and destructive to our sad mortal selves- it hurt us to look at it. But we've taken it out and now we see it when we go to bed and when we wake and she's slowly becoming a spirit embedded in an image. A story, a saint or an icon. Something we are glad to have a connection to, something to remind us of our human story and of cosmic joy and laughter, but no longer a part of our flesh and blood family. It's harrowing, incredibly sad, and well... weird.

For lack of a better idea, I'm writing a lot about it, composing a comic book (a terrible term, still, if you ask me) about it, and will be happy if you read it someday. (This is NOT "Daddy Lightning" which I have to finish and will still ship from Retrofit in the spring.)

Leela will be picking her radio show up again this Monday December the 19th, two hours devoted to songs we were listening to in our deepest grieving. I'll be there in the studio. It will probably be a sad couple of hours but I bet you're strong enough. Find the link here, look for Ecstasy to Frenzy: http://growradio.org/ You can listen live or look for the podcast later. (Two weeks later we'll have guest DJ Brendan Burford there with us...)

A potential student gave me a set of hand-thrown cups today. I'm drinking coffee from one, warming my hands. Another student wrote "I don't pray so I drew 100 roses", and she sent them to us. Ignatz threw a brick at Krazy.

It's a new country, a world whose meaning we create.

TH@SAW

20 comments:

AshB said...

I LOVE YOU TWO SO MUCH!!!

Todd Alcott said...

We are all behind you. Please keep us posted.

Much love.

vinylsaurus said...

Strength and peace to you both, Tom.

Jen said...

Thank you for sharing with us. It really helps people understand. Stay strong, grieve when you need to, and live knowing Rosalie will always be with you.

joy said...

Tom, I've been thinking about you guys for weeks now, tears welling up, every time. By the looks of your FB, here, and undoubtably everywhere you turn, know that you have the support of everyone who knows and loves you. Stay strong, the both of you.

orrin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
todd webb said...

i've been praying for you two non-stop, and will continue to do so - thank you for sharing, tom - love love love

robin said...

not a moment goes by that you both aren't in my thoughts; sending love everyday.

Theremina said...

Feeling and sending so much love. You are both in my thoughts all the time.

Mer

gemsgirl said...

I have not been privileged to meet you, Tom, nor your beautiful daughter. But I am astonished and deeply moved by your fluency at this unfathomably difficult time.

Dr. Erica said...

I am still thinking of the two of you everyday. Keep on keepin' on.

Indie Gainesville said...

(((((hugs)))))

You remain in our thoughts, and we send you our love.

Sunny Chapman said...

Tears running down my face again, my heart breaks for you and Leela. As a mother, this sort of loss is unimaginable and terrifying to consider.Sending you much love from bklyn. xxxooo

Bertozzi said...

Thanks too from me for these thoughts. Sending some love your way..

Joyce Hanson said...

Tom & Leela, I continue to think of you often and wish you peace, courage and gratitude for your creative spirits to help get you both through your loss of Rosalie.

max said...

Hey Tom, i was so sad to hear of your loss. Glad to hear you two are making your way though it all. Take it easy mapping out the new country.

Scott McCloud said...

I don't know if there can ever be a "right" way to do this, but if there is, you're doing it.

We love you, and wish you all possible comfort and warmth on this path you've chosen.

MT Klein said...

We don't know each other and probably never will, but as a human and father I feel with you and wish you good on your way. right now, I go some steps with you.

Karen said...

What a beautiful, sad, heartwarming post. It is extraordinary that, at a time when you both must need so much, that you could give us this.

My thoughts and warmest wishes are with you both. I hope you find all the comfort you need.

Heidi MacDonald said...

Thanks for the amazing update. You are still in my thoughts, and as someone else said, WE LOVE YOU BOTH.